A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to Please be gentle; I’M still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom.

How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?

Well…

• Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
• Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he would look into it and get back with me..
• Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
• Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
• Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
• Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
• Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
• Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
• Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .
• Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was …God I miss him.

But now that Ive married you, and I am so excited…

Wonderful, said the husband, but why?

To which she replied, You are with the GOVERNMENT…
This time I KNOW I AM gonna get SCREWED.

I Hate Dr Oz was a catchy idea and a title for a blog, not so much for Oz bashing. You can read our reason for naming the blog on other posts.

For those of you who do not know, my son Mason has a friendly laughter, and many times he brings it out, without prompting. However, on this occasion, Mason, Izzie and I were home alone, and Mason was not very happy. He had been crying for a while, and I was on my last ounce of patience.

I started encouraging Mason’s laughter, and for a few minutes he was finally laughing. After a few laughs, I decided I had to get the video camera to capture his laughter. Below you can see a minute of Baby laughter, and what caused it. I dare you to try and watch this video without laughing.

Most days our wives are our significant other, our best friend, our spouse, the mother of our children, and more. However, there are those rare occasions when your wife may do a little nagging to get the chores done around the house, or nagging you to finish the project you started last week. On those days it is good if you can find a little humor in life. I was forwarded these photos in an email, sorry I cannot give credit. If you are the original creator of this work and would like credit let me know.

Here you go hunny!

Hunny, this will not hurt I promise

I wish I could claim these as my own, but I received them as a forward in an email. I found it so funny I had to share.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Morals of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Morals of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Morals of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Morals of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Morals of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Management Survival Skills: Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

All the credit should go to The-Jokes, they were my source for the jokes. They were so funny I had to share them here.

5. Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.” He does, and his hands warm up.

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”

She looks at him and says, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON’T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?”

4. After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

3. A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ’statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

2. At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, “watch out for the wall!”

1. A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

“What? You’re crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…”

“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”

“I’ve already said No, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small blowie…I know you’d like it, too…”

“No! I’ve said NO!”

“My love… Don’t be like that…”

At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”