Periodically men need to have a little time off. I’m not talking about a vacation, but merely a mechanism to remove oneself from doing an activity or chore that is undesirable. So I have created a guide on my favorite ways to get out of just about any situation that may arise. Please add your comments, because this is a war gentlemen, and we need to stand together. If we unify and become one, there is a chance for us. In no particular order, here are my favorite tools for helping ‘men to get out of…’
Ignorance is an excuse to get you out of…
Feigning ignorance is such an immense tool for men, not just women. It is so applicable in so many situations. “Hun can you please fix the faucet.” “Dear please build a new doghouse.” “We really need to replace that garage door.” All of these can be solved by saying, “Geez Hun, I really don’t know how to do that.” Ignorance on the ability to do a particular chore will allow you to watch someone else do the work for you or not get done at all. Watching someone else do the hard work is truly a double bonus as you get out of the task and get to sit back and drink a beer while watching an expert get your tasks done for you.
Poor memory is an excuse to get you out of…
Your ability to ‘forget’ is a monumental instrument. She EXPECTS you to say, “Hun, I don’t know what your talking about.” Or, “When did that get scheduled?” or even simply, “Really? Hmm, I don’t remember that.” The simplicity of not remembering is powerful and effective. She expects you to forget, so use it to your advantage.
Incompetence is an excuse to get you out of…
When you mess up some of the simplest jobs, it will allow you to get out of the much more difficult things. Once she understands that you will mess things up, she will not even allow you attempt some of the more difficult tasks. This excuse requires months of planning in an effort to get out of future tasks and should not be attempted by amateurs. This is set up type of scenario; you must plan for the future here boys, screw things up now, so you can have time off later.
Make a stand is an excuse to get you out of…
Ok; this excuse must be used with extreme caution and is to be handled with kid gloves. Standing up for yourself really is a good thing—only if done in moderation. First, she will certainly respect you for taking a stand. Secondly, she will think, ‘Wow, I think I may have been pushing him a little too much, I think I need to back off and let him have a little bit of space here.”
However, standing up for yourself too frequently, and she will see right through it and you will be worse off then where you started. Standing up and saying, “NO! I am NOT going to do that!!” is fine as long as she backs off, but if you stand up and she forces you to sit back down is a very bad situation for you. If she calls you out, you’re in deep trouble. Use this skill wisely, and it can help you. Use it unwisely, and you will lose it forever.
Injury or sickness is an excuse to get you out of…
Touchy situation here boys. An obvious great excuse, but used inappropriately, and you are in deep do-do. I’d suggest a back ache, or shoulder injury. It is very difficult to track, and both of these types of injuries allow a ‘certain movement’ that causes pain. That way you can randomly ‘remember’ when something hurts and cringe in agony to gain sympathy. If you complain about a sore leg, you will have to remember to limp constantly and jumping up when Tomlinson scores are both ingredients for disaster. Remember your goal is to do what you want, not having to remember your symptoms.
Real Examples to get Men Out of Life’s Tasks
Emotional distress, overworked, or a new hobby are examples of poor choices to try and get you out of the task at hand. In my opinion, they are poor choices because that tact has been used by so many men in the past it is far too transparent and she will surely see through it. You need to press towards your strengths men and being too emotionally ‘deep’ or appearing that you have motivation to take on extra activities is just quite silly really. Your primary objective is to get out of enough work to give you time to see the game, drink a couple of beers in peace, or the pinnacle of…take a nap.
Now to apply these tools in real time and with the correct frequency as to not over user one is the key. Let’s take on a few examples here of how a man can best get out of specific activities.
How to get out of going to the video store.
What a pain in the neck. You have to drive across town through traffic after work and then are faced with walls of videos that ultimately take away time from ‘YOU’ time. Here’s what you do—use incompetence as your tool. Pick up Jackass, Dude Who Stole My Car, or basically anything with Pauly Shore in it. Pick up enough garbage each time that you go she will become so upset that you will never have to do that again. I went and got Airheads in 1995, and I haven’t been back to Blockbuster since.
How to get out of cleaning the garage.
This one is very difficult. On one hand, we hate cleaning and getting into the messy, box filled garage is not on the top of our list (The exception is the man who has a garage that is his, meaning he has his TRCC requirements covered TV, Refrigerator, and Comfortable Chair). Using the excuse, “Hun, I should really go out and clean the garage,” can be a great escape away from something so far more horrible like visiting the in-laws or going to a family cook out. I’d suggest a misdirection play as frequently as possible here. If you can avoid the topic of cleaning the garage altogether, then you keep that excuse in your back pocket when you really need an out.
How to get out of doing the dishes.
If any of you out there hate doing dishes even near to the level of how bad I loath it, you have an understanding of how important this topic is. Because of its importance we must go a little deeper here.
Cuts and scrapes on fingers from work. The soap stings.
Back ache from work. Leaning over the sink aggravates this situation.
Soap allergy. The bubbles make you sneeze, which hurts the back, etc.
Have to go clean the garage. There ya go baby!
How to get out of yard work.
We have addressed this situation in earlier posts, but the level of importance merits revisiting. Feigning injury can be key here. You can head outside and do some work at your gimpy leisure. Meanwhile having headphones with the game on allows you to at least hear the game. Praying for rain can help as well. Nothing kills outside work better then a good steady downpour. Move to Seattle, it’s such a more common occurrence.